I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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