I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
