I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
