she woke up with a sticky ear
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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