if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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