Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
