I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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