he wants to bone in the snuggie
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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