Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
