I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
