my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
