I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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