I think I won the penis lottery.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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