I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't deserve a penis
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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