Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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