Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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