In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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