I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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