The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
