Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
