How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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