Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
