my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
