just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
