Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
