There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
