Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I need to sanitize my soul.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
