I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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