You're completely useless in the revolution.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
