I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
