I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So here I am, sexting at work.
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