just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
