Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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