you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
