i need an iv and a liver transplant
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
