If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
