i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize