we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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