I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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