apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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