My Higher Power is John Stamos
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
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