I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
