ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
