I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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