I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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