you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
