I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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