I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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