I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
