i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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