it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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