never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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