Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My ATM looks so different sober.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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