My first STD was from a foam party
I just made out with a guy for $7.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
