Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
