I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
