he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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